I grew up north of San Francisco in a town called Petaluma. The youngest of four siblings, one full and two half, in a loving family with everything to be grateful for. I got good grades, had lots of friends, and was always involved in some sort of sports team. I played soccer, basketball, football, swam, ran track, raced motocross, and fought in various martial arts disciplines. After graduation, I went off to college and served 4 years in the USMC as a Scout Sniper before taking my place in society as a mild mannered, productive adult. Thats how it's supposed to go, isn't it?
The real story of my life doesn't follow the normal path, isn't exactly charming, and definitely wouldn't fit into one of those "only for TV" Disney movies where the main character has to overcome some silly embarrassment and wins the hearts of their classmates. No, my life hasn't been a fairy tale, but in this, I know I am not alone.
There were early traumas and experiences that ignited deep anger at the world and filled me with sadness leading to bad decisions. Decisions that led me into bad situations. The kinds of situations that leave permanent marks, like blemishes on your record, scars on your body, holes in your heart, and gaps in your soul.
These types of situations crush your spirit with shame and regret and forever change the way you see the world. But it is also these situations that provide us tremendous opportunity. They are "learning experiences." They allow us to see the world from a new perspective and if we choose to take it, illuminate a path forward that goes far beyond anything we believed ourselves capable of before.
By the time I was 24 I had squandered my opportunity for college, developed and struggled with addiction, lived on the street, been arrested multiple times, crippled my body, was nearly kicked out of the military and all but destroyed any hope of having a decent job. And this is only the big stuff. I was at the bottom, as they say, "rock bottom."
Up until that point I had lived and operated my life from a place of fear. I took a look around at my life and inside my heart and I remember thinking, "I am tired of this." I was tired of constantly trying to "fix" my life. I was tired of having to pull myself out of dark holes over and over again. Why couldn't I just stay out of the hole? Why couldn't I just feel “okay” or better than okay and actually be happy?
I remember having this thought about the tumultuous nature of my life and how fast things would change every time I messed up. I realized that within all this change, I was the only true constant and with this came another realization; it was all my fault. Sure, there were situations out of my control, but how did I get into those in the first place? It was me. All of it was me.
This may not be completely true, but it was my belief then and it is my perspective now because within this terribly tough truth was a beautiful gem of understanding, I could change it. If I was the reason everything kept going wrong, I could figure out how to make it go right. I made a promise to myself right then: I would find a way to make my life into something beautiful, something that I loved waking up to, something I was proud to look back on. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew it was possible and that was all I needed.
This decision was over 10 years ago and was the start of a journey that has become my vocation. I still made many mistakes after I decided to change and I will make many more, but not the big kind. The lessons I learned while putting my life back together have been the tools needed to help others do the same for theirs. I now use fitness as a conduit for growth and healing just like it was for me. With over 13 years of experience as a personal trainer, 4 years of military service and all the rest of my "learning experiences”, there is nothing I enjoy more than helping others out of their own personal darkness.
Welcome to my world and thank you for taking the time to read this passage.
The real story of my life doesn't follow the normal path, isn't exactly charming, and definitely wouldn't fit into one of those "only for TV" Disney movies where the main character has to overcome some silly embarrassment and wins the hearts of their classmates. No, my life hasn't been a fairy tale, but in this, I know I am not alone.
There were early traumas and experiences that ignited deep anger at the world and filled me with sadness leading to bad decisions. Decisions that led me into bad situations. The kinds of situations that leave permanent marks, like blemishes on your record, scars on your body, holes in your heart, and gaps in your soul.
These types of situations crush your spirit with shame and regret and forever change the way you see the world. But it is also these situations that provide us tremendous opportunity. They are "learning experiences." They allow us to see the world from a new perspective and if we choose to take it, illuminate a path forward that goes far beyond anything we believed ourselves capable of before.
By the time I was 24 I had squandered my opportunity for college, developed and struggled with addiction, lived on the street, been arrested multiple times, crippled my body, was nearly kicked out of the military and all but destroyed any hope of having a decent job. And this is only the big stuff. I was at the bottom, as they say, "rock bottom."
Up until that point I had lived and operated my life from a place of fear. I took a look around at my life and inside my heart and I remember thinking, "I am tired of this." I was tired of constantly trying to "fix" my life. I was tired of having to pull myself out of dark holes over and over again. Why couldn't I just stay out of the hole? Why couldn't I just feel “okay” or better than okay and actually be happy?
I remember having this thought about the tumultuous nature of my life and how fast things would change every time I messed up. I realized that within all this change, I was the only true constant and with this came another realization; it was all my fault. Sure, there were situations out of my control, but how did I get into those in the first place? It was me. All of it was me.
This may not be completely true, but it was my belief then and it is my perspective now because within this terribly tough truth was a beautiful gem of understanding, I could change it. If I was the reason everything kept going wrong, I could figure out how to make it go right. I made a promise to myself right then: I would find a way to make my life into something beautiful, something that I loved waking up to, something I was proud to look back on. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew it was possible and that was all I needed.
This decision was over 10 years ago and was the start of a journey that has become my vocation. I still made many mistakes after I decided to change and I will make many more, but not the big kind. The lessons I learned while putting my life back together have been the tools needed to help others do the same for theirs. I now use fitness as a conduit for growth and healing just like it was for me. With over 13 years of experience as a personal trainer, 4 years of military service and all the rest of my "learning experiences”, there is nothing I enjoy more than helping others out of their own personal darkness.
Welcome to my world and thank you for taking the time to read this passage.
